The surroundings… duh

Swimming optional

Beaches… mountains… resorts… caves… waterfalls… and many other things I could easily follow by multiple dots of climax. Whatever your adventure needs or your nature craving… this country has it with style.

Like a boss

The Benjamin’s B**ches

Fun fact: About everything pictured… $5 USD

The Philippines you will soon find is a haven for your shopping needs too… along your any other needs. The Philippines is one of the cheapest countries in Asia. Even beating out Thailand with many of their prices. Many tourists are also currently going there on “Medical Holiday” as they are finding top notch medical services for a fraction of the price. So get your greed on in this beautiful country.

English at its best

Told you…

Is English the only language that you know? Same here and no worries. Do to English being called “The Language of Money” in many countries… it is also taught in The Philippines along side the native language… like many other countries do. So no worries… if you only speak English you can maintain your ignorance of baselessly having a superior language and lifestyle while the locals talk about what a huge ass you are right in front of you. Then they’ll spit in your food… like a boss.

Entertainment… yo

Beautiful… yet very very creepy creepy creepy

With a culture clash this place is a host of festivals, concerts, and performers. Not to be bored here.

Top class weather

Pretty girls and giant sand castles are mandatory

Come on… it’s the philippines. The sunshine is sure to be out more often than not. The country has on average less than two dozen tropical storms each year. So the odds will ever be in your favor.

The adventure

Figure it out

Skydiving, bungee jumping, rafting, kayaking, extreme kite flying… you name your thrill and you will find it here. It’s a shame that I couldn’t live there all year long… or could I…

The Waterfall Café

Three words: Fuck yea Scotty Joe

I just had to add this place. It’s just too good.

P.S. Fuck you Canada

Tsitsikamma Mountains

Tsitsikamma Mountains

These mountains stretch 80 kilometers (50 miles) in southern South Africa in the Western and Eastern Cape providences. A beautiful place with a rather consistent climate where you can hike or bike these luscious ranges.

Apartheid Museum

You should know what this picture is…

Any visit to Johannesburg, South Africa isn’t complete without a visit to the Apartheid Museum. A place where you can explore the institution of segregation that Nelson Mandela dedicated his life to fighting. Fighting to bring equality to South Africa. This museum is a light on the Apartheid regimen that once separated the people.

Garden Route

Garden Route… bitches

They don’t call it the Garden Route for no reason as you can see. This enchanting place resides on the south-east coast of South Africa and goes from Heidelberg in the Western Cape to the Storm River. This place is a great place all year round with the second mildest climate in the world (to only Hawaii according to the Guinness Book of World Records). Hike or bike this beautiful route that encompasses 10 nature reserves and many cities along the way.

Cape of Good Hope

Cape of Good Hope

You will find this place to be not only beautiful but also the most south-western point of the entire African continent. A beautiful place to visit for any outdoors individual, nature nut, or picture-savvy people. A true beauty.

Gold Reef City

Theme park bitches.

This place has rollercoasters, casinos, theaters, many restaurants, and much much more. If you want to get away from all of that nature and history junk as mentioned earlier… give this place a throw.

Victoria and Alfred Waterfront

V&A Waterfront

This beachfront is a wicked trip that you wouldn’t expect to find in South Africa. You’ll feel right as if you’re on the streets of a New Jersey coastal city / New Orleans… combined. Check it.

Johannesburg Zoo

It’s a zoo…

It’s a zoo… what did you think would be there? It’s a zoo… bitches

P.S. Fuck you Canada

 The steaks

These aren’t your Burger King recycled shit burgers

You may not think it at first, but most Argentina beef producers still use the older methods of pasture and grass feeding for their cattle… which many of you may know… make for some of the best burgers will ever have in your life. So get there while you can before they switch to mass farming methods of the U.S. with feed lots grain feeding. Get your ass a pure burger of goddamn awesomeness.

Glaciers National Park

Beauty… bitches

Here you will see a South American splendor unlike many you will ever see… towers glaciers dumping their ice into the cold waters below. This is a picturesque location for anyone visiting Argentina.

Festivals

Yes… please

Argentina is like many South American countries in that they know how to party… a lot. Here you will find the Buenos Aries hosts festivals all year long. Here you will find anything from film and fashion festivals, to Oktoberfest and countless other drinking and partying celebrations. You are not to be disappointed my friends.

Salta

Salta… bitches

This city is a hotbed for all thing beautiful and cultural. Valleys, multi-colored rock formation, festivals, local food with flare, culture, and history… this city has it and it’s sure to impress you. No worries about being stranded or horse rentals as this major city has car rentals for tourists also.

The Wine

Argentina vineyard… bitches

Argentina is the fifth largest wine producer by volume. There are wineries all over Argentina for you to find where you can tour the location and sample their specials. It is truly magnificent wine you will find here that you won’t likely find this fine Argentinean wine many other places in the world.

Iguazu Falls

Iguazu Falls. Pronounce the name right… I dare you… bitches

These falls are one of the most popular tourist destinations in Argentina. Upon visiting the Iguazu Falls, Eleanor Roosevelt exclaimed: “Poor Niagara!” professing her joys in visiting these amazing falls. Check out these beautiful waterfalls with guided tours, trek it yourself, or enjoy the watersports you can experience at its base.

I had to put two pictures… bitches

P.S. Fuck you Canada

Just in case you have no imagination or lust for adventure whatsoever in your life I have for you here a partial bucket list of my own for you. Imitate it, modify it, or scrap it and do your own… just do it (not in the douche bag Nike shoe company sense at least).

Jump out of a perfectly fine goddamn plane

Skydive yeah

Bungee Jump

Need I say more?

Learn to Snowboard

It’s that awesome… and then some… bitches.

Do the Running of the Bulls

I’ve always wanted to get run over by 2 tons of awesomeness

Participate in a riot

Who hasn’t wanted to be that guy?

Do a cross country car rally

This goes hand in hand with another item on my bucket list… have an awesome crash (surviving maybe) in a super car

Jet ski in the ocean

Uh… yes

Stay at an ice hotel

How cool would that honestly be? … see what I did there?

Visit an ice cave

That place looks so… cool. Man I’m funny.

To be continued… Fuck you Canada

Guinness Storehouse

Guinness factory, Dublin… yes please

No trip to Ireland is complete without getting shit happy drunk. What better way to celebrate it than visiting the place where Guinness all began? That’s right, Dublin is the birth of Guinness. So go on and visit the St. James Gate Brewery… you know you want to.

Festivals

Galway Art Festival

You know it, of course the drinking capitol of the world would have parties… and here are a few that may garner your fancy:

Dublin Theater Festival – September and October

Galway Arts Festival – July. With writers, musicians, performers, and artists from all over the world.

Kilkenny Cat Laughs Festival – June. Comedy festival with over 85 performers.

Dublin Literary Pub Crawl – Not really a festival but needs the same respect. Leaves from Duke Street nightly. Yes… I said nightly. It takes 2.25 hours and features live music and 8 pubs (4 per tour).

Traditional Irish Music Pub Crawl – Departs Oliver St. John Gogarty pub nightly also… god this country is starting to sound pretty sweet isn’t it?

            Dingle

Dingle… berry. Come on… I had to

The town of Dingle sits on a harbor and at the foot of the Slievanea Mountain. Get lost in the Irish charm of this old town with everything you could imagine in or around the town such as Eask Tower, Oceanworld, Rahinnane Castle, and Conors Pass… just to name a very few that this area has to offer.

Kiss the Blarney Stone

Somehow I thought that it’d be more… Blarnier

Duh… this is a no brainer. Millions and millions of people have kissed this disgusting stone in the hopes of being endowed with the gift of gab and eloquence. Or so that’s what legend says is given to anyone that kisses the stone. However, in order to kiss the stone you have to have one or more people hold you upside down into an opening in the castle wall in order to just reach it. This activity is not recommended for fat people.

P.S. Fuck you Canada

TSUM & GUM

TSUM & GUM

Pronounced tsoom and goom these are the largest malls in Moscow. These are stunning structures with beautiful interiors and multiple floors of (some) expensive shopping.

35MM

35MM late night shows… awesome

Sweet baby jesus… this place is the most storied movie theater in Moscow. They play many foreign films (including many American films) in the original languages. No wonder they can all speak English over there. This place is also usually open late into the night too.

O2 Lounge

02 Lounge, Moscow

This hip (that’s right I said “hip” dammit all) place is also located in the Ritz-Carlton on the top of it… on the 12^th floor. Don’t be fooled by the name, this isn’t an oxygen lounge like those lame one are that you find in Vegas… this lounge is basically a place to go and feel special as you get served by ridiculously pretty girls and pay top dollar for it as you are guaranteed one of the better views of Moscow from the balcony.

City Space Bar & Lounge

City Space Bar & Lounge

For an even better view of Moscow yet, check out a visit to the Swiss Otel and go to the 34^th floor where you will find the City Space Bar & Lounge. Or, catch a music show next door at the House of Music.

Gorky Park

Gorky Park.

Grab some ice cream, ride some rides or walk the Moscow River as you watch the locals in their natural habitat.

Winzavod

Winzavod

This underground treasure houses a gallery of artwork and a clothing department store that sells Australian and Belgian clothing. And who the hell doesn’t want to cross-dress like a half Belgian, half Australian wolf man? Check out this sweet place that features fashion shows and art openings. It’s one of the lesser-known places to visit but it’s well worth it.

P.S. Fuck you Canada

North Korea

Look at that smile… only an idiot would smile like that

Is it any wonder why this psychotic state is on the list of countries to avoid? That is simply because the country is so secluded that you may not return or they may even imprison you for made-up charges to boost its own self image of imprisoning the evil residents from elsewhere in the world. Don’t be imprisoned for propaganda. Don’t go to North Korea.

Somalia

Ragtag pirate assholes.

Let’s face it… I love kidnapping strangers for ransom just as much as the next person but these guys take it to a whole new level of seriousness. The Somali pirates are known for raiding ships and taking them hostage for massive ransoms in the millions of dollars. And piss… after those ransoms I wouldn’t even be worth their time as they would surely kill me. Don’t get killed by pirates. Don’t go to Somalia

Virtually anywhere in the Middle East

Al Quada… they think they can beat the 1st world nations… it’s cute that they try.

Afghanistan, Iraq, Kuwait… I’m sure they used to make great summer destinations before they were bombed and filled with hate… but now these places are all more bombed than before, and filled with much more hate than before in some areas. So unless you have the appropriate skin color and family in the area… don’t even think about visiting the Middle East quite yet. Give them a few hundred years to modernize and get their shit together.

Mali

Mali… it’s cute that you try

This little known northern African country has recently become a hotbed for Muslim extremists and insurgents. As if the shitty, flat desert wasn’t enough to deter you. Happy travels.

Mexico*

Mexico… a country so safe that they keep masked men wearing body armor with machine guns posted outside banks… it’s that damn safe.

This location has an asterisk because the coastal cities for the tourists are generally (generally) safer than elsewhere in the country. That still doesn’t change the fact that over 60,000 people have been killed in the drug-related violence in the last 7 years. I am also friends with an individual that has seen an excursion of 20-30 tourists robbed by a group of men with machine guns… so you know… tourist local for the ages

Canada

Canada… not dangerous but still… fuck you and your healthcare for every person… and fuck you for giving us Justin Bieber.

Canada may not contain too many particularly violent people unless of course I am traveling there. It’s actually very safe statistically speaking. It just sucks. They gave the world Justin Bieber for crying out loud.

P.S. Fuck you Canada

Your friend(s)… may be too stupid to travel with…

That one… will get you robbed.

Do you have those friends that post shit on Facebook for when they are going on trips? I’m sure you do, we all do. I know people that post when they are leaving for a doctors appointment that is hours away. Now imagine these people going on a long trip to Europe: “O my god! Just landed in Spain. The next two weeks are going to be awesome! Love my bitches back at home!” now imagine that this bitch posts pictures on Facebook and you’re tagged in the post… that’s right, now everyone on Facebook knows that you won’t be home for the next two weeks because of your stupid friend. Unless you want your house cleaned out and your car stolen… coach these idiots on how to travel or don’t take them at all.

Carry pepper spray

See… even kids do it

It’s cheap, effective, small, inconspicuous, and able to get on flights as long as it’s in your checked luggage. Trust me, from experience I can tell you that after being pepper sprayed in the face… there isn’t a whole lot you can focus on. The tears, the choking coughs, the difficult breathing, and the near blindness… this shit will get you some distance in the 15 minutes it’ll take your attacker to come back down from pain, discomfort, and blindness.

Grandmothers love it too. That’ll teach that old, violent hippie to protest her opinion.

Use common sense

Common sense unrelated to this post

It goes without saying, but any place that looks like trouble is more likely to have trouble than safe looking places. Don’t go out alone if possible and try to avoid going out after absolute dark (especially alone and especially in high risk areas like Mexico) nonetheless in areas that aren’t well lit with businesses and street lamps and whatnot.

Walk smart, talk smart

You can talk to this guy though

Don’t tell strangers where you are staying or for how long. Be as vague as possible in information that identifies places you are staying with people you don’t know. Also don’t let yourself get boxed in. While walking at night don’t walk close to walls where someone can easily come out from an entryway without you spotting them before they are right on you.

Dress for a fight

Heels… make for terrible fighting apparel. I should know.

Okay, you don’t actually have to dress for a physical fight, but while getting dressed you should ask yourself “How easily could I run on a dead-out sprint in this outfit?” Flip flops are the absolute worst choice of footwear if you are anywhere but in the sand on a beach. Are you wearing skinny jeans? How about a leather jacket that isn’t broken in so the arms are still tight?

Know when to fight

So gentle they are.

Getting mugged over your wallet isn’t worth losing your life over. Besides, if you don’t keep everything in your wallet at one time then you won’t lose a whole lot. Toss your wallet so the person has to go get it, then run away as fast and as far as you can. He or she will not likely chase after you if all they wanted was your wallet (and they’d have to chase you down for a watch or necklace when the wallet is right there for them on the ground to take easily).

P.S. Fuck Canada

Don’t trust all strangers

You can trust any stranger that dresses like this though.

If you just so happen to get roped into an illegal brothel in Japan and you’re enjoying your night and having fun… don’t eat and drink everything that is given to you. Especially if they give your group a few bottles of wine and they refuse to drink the wine with you… then you’ll wake up drugged, naked, and on a rowboat in the middle of the ocean. And you don’t want to wake up drugged, naked, and on a rowboat in the middle of the ocean… trust me.

Get vaccinated

The scariest damn image I will ever look at. Period.

Blah blah blah. Get vaccines for the places you travel and look up health precautions. I don’t do these things as much as I should but it’s still good advice even if you choose not to follow it like me.

Flaunt nothing bitches

William Jonathan Drayton… you wouldn’t make it 5 wall clock minutes in Botswana

As much as I love to cool myself off by fanning my wads of 100 dollar bills like the next person it stands to reason that that may… in fact be a bad idea or so I’m told. I’ve had enough of my shit stolen while traveling to understand that carrying my $5,000,000 gold plated and diamond studded camera around my neck makes me an easy target for those that want to beat me with iron rods and take my shit. The same goes for flashy jewelry on the day-to-day street, flashy watches, designer handbags, and wearing my pants made solely out of gold coins. Just remember, you don’t need vast amounts of money on your persons to laugh at beggars… everyone does it.

Wear a helmet

I know they look stupid. But they do work… sadly.

This may not make much sense now, but if you are traveling to some say 2^nd or 3^rd world nation, you don’t want to be getting your extreme side on with a crumbled healthcare and transportation system. Did you know that 38 people die a day in Thailand from just scooter accidents? Now think of all the inbred rednecks that reproduce just because they don’t die every day when they jump their 4-wheelers into oak trees just because they are wearing helmets? That’s really fucking scary. Besides, I know helmets are uncool but who are you honestly trying to impress in that 3^rd world country where they look at your Gameboy like a work of magic?

P.S. Fuck you Canada

 Be a groupie

Batman used the buddy system and look, he never got raped… at least as far the comics books showed.

“Did you know that more women are assaulted, raped, or kidnapped while traveling in groups than when they travel alone?” said no study in the history of mankind. It’s common sense… the larger the group you’re in, the less likely something bad will be brought on you by others. While yes, some groups do fall on ill harm while traveling… it usually takes significantly more than one person to bring harm to a group than a single person. Why do you think women use the buddy system to go to the bathroom or when they’re working out? The buddy system of course… not that they are simple creatures that can’t function by themselves or anything crazy like that. By the way… make sure you trust your group members too.

The beautiful, sexy… buddy system.

Diversify your shit

Don’t keep all of your eggs in one basket, haha, get it? Fuck you, there aren’t many photos to pick from for the topic of diversity… fuck you.

You’d think that it’d be unwise to keep all of your money in a single wallet or purse… yet for some reason many of my friends travel that way. You don’t want to be stranded if you lose your wallet or your backpack gets stolen while you’re in a brothel house. Keep an emergency $100 bill in your shoe underneath the sole. You won’t even feel it. Also, don’t keep all of your bankcards or credits cards together… the same principle applies here.

Don’t use the rear

Take a wild guess where this person keeps their phone or wallet most often…

Did you know that when someone from outside the U.S. sees the pale, worn rectangle in the back pocket of jeans that they immediately know that you’re an American? And after that fact they also know where you are likely to have valuables such as your wallet. Use the front pockets of your pants if you are to use the pockets at all as they are easier to keep track of (hands in the front pocket?) and also harder (but not impossible) to pick-pocket. You thought this would be a dirty post laced with swear words didn’t you? Fuck you.

Copy yo shit

That’s right Bart Simpson… copy yo shit.

Scan passports, licenses, visas, travel insurance, and anything else made of paper and keep it either separate from your luggage or put them all in digital format so a quick email check will give someone all your documents if your paper shit gets lost, damaged, or stolen. O, one last thing… don’t make copies of money… it is frowned upon in Spain.

P.S. Fuck you Canada